I have a daughter.

She just turned three a few weeks ago. I often look at her and wonder in my heart just who she will become. I see her now. Intensely sharp. Not missing anything going on around her. So very eager to learn new things. Emotionally complex and deep. Responsible for her younger siblings and a born worrier. Shy in the presence of company but such a talker when in her comfort zone. So feminine and graceful (sometimes!). I see her thoughts zipping past through her mind as they reflect in her eyes.

And I wonder….

Just who will she become? And then I come to the question- “Who do I want her to become?”

This is not about writing my own unachieved dreams onto my child’s life. This is about parenting intentionally. The Bible says- “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” And if I who have been entrusted with her life, do not think these thoughts and train her with purpose to be who she was meant to be, who will? Who else (except her Dad) would care enough to lovingly invest time to shape her and fill her mind and heart with good things?

And when I think of it, the training I want to give her is tripartite. I want to train her mind, her body and her heart.

Her Mind

Prarthna’s mind is a teacher’s dream (I confess I stand on biased ground as her mother). I love the glee in her face when I ask her if she wants to learn something new. She grasps things very quickly and they stay with her. She seems to remember everything. Even things that we feel were obscure. And she learns both good and bad with equal fervour.

As her parent, I’ve got to actively sift out the bad and nurture the good, adding to it more good that she needs to learn.

In this, I’ve realized how important it is to explain to a child the reason why something is bad and mustn’t be done. And even why something is good and should be practiced.

Too often, we find ourselves continuing to do things that are meaningless or downright harmful simply because our parents and other older folk said so. Doing things without thinking on why we do it promotes thoughtlessness in other aspects of our lives too. We have been given minds not to live programmed existences but to think and ponder and work things out and then decide intelligently whether it’s right or wrong. This seeking and searching attitude needs to permeate into every aspect of our lives and build in us a love and a yearning for the truth.

This is what I want for Prarthna’s mind.

Today, too many little girls are deadening their minds with unprofitable thoughts that are designed to make them shallow, unthinking, self-seeking dolls. Or are trained sharply to viciously compete and get ahead no matter what the cost. To be the best in this “world of men”. I want neither of these for my daughter.

I want her to think. Yes, to think wisely, but to also think in love. To put others before herself. To think about how she can help others rather than just help herself and satisfy her own desires.

To have the kind of mind Paul talks about in the Bible when he urges-“…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.” (Phil 4:8)

Her Body

Where do I start?

Tiny, little girls with painted lips and eyes. Flipping ironed, permed or highlighted hair. Tottering along in kiddie heels and wearing barely there midriff baring, strapless, backless, impossibly short clothing that we adult women would be ashamed to wear.

“How adorable!”, I hear the doting parents squeal.

Very often the Mums of these little ones would never even dream of wearing such loud makeup or such bold clothing, because it might get them unwanted attention and also, in some cases, is not modest.

And yet, it is alright to expose our children to such attention and immodesty?

“They’re just little children!” Yes, they are just little children. Little children who are defenceless, vulnerable and who depend on us to make right choices for them. Just what favour are we doing them by exposing them to this wicked world where even the body of a little girl is no longer off limits, in sexually charged clothing and adult makeup?

There are also logical issues to be dealt with. If something is alright for a child to wear when they are young and is inappropriate when they get older, how are you going to reason that out with her?

“So what should our little girls wear?”, you may well ask. In the Bible, Paul asks women in general to dress modestly. Now this does not mean drab, dowdy clothing. We need to choose clothing that’s modest as well as becoming. And we need to teach our daughters how to dress this way too.

Apart from this, I believe, clothing and our other fashion choices need to agree with our state of life and the activities we are involved in.

As a little girl, I expect Prarthna to live her childhood with all the joy it was meant to have. Towards this, I wouldn’t want her to wear clothing that’s restrictive or uncomfortable. Clothes that fit well and cover surfaces that are prone to cuts and scrapes during inevitable falls are best, I have found.

I would like to shield Prarthna from eyes that might view children with wickedness in their hearts. So I try to dress her modestly. I’ve often seen little girls dressed in skirts so short that they spend most of their time in public looking self-conscious and tugging at the hem of their skirts. I think clothing should ideally allow you to be unaware of it. Letting S decide if an outfit is appropriate or not for Prarthna has been helpful. Sometimes Dads see problems our eyes don’t notice.

Most of all, I want Prarthna to be unselfconscious about her looks. I don’t want her to learn how to take advantage of her outward beauty or give it undue importance. I want her to know the truth of the statement of the wise man who said that charm is deceitful and that beauty is fleeting.

Her Heart

Sigh! Here we go… the hardest of all to train.

I remember when Prarthna was born, how people would visit and say things like- “Oh you know, babies can see angels because they are innocent of sin.” As a new Mum, I couldn’t refute this with any confidence. Soon, though, I discovered that my little angel was far from angelic. Even as a newborn, she would arch her back stubbornly and scream when I would lay her in her crib for her nap. I knew for sure, then, that we are all born in sin. Even before we begin to do wrong, we are bound by the desire to rebel and do things that we know are not right.

After thirty two years of life, I’m still struggling with the bad in me (a.k.a. the flesh).

Knowing this, how do I help my daughter with her struggle? Do I let it go because she can never completely toe the line by herself? Do I lash out at her immediately and instil in her a fear of doing wrong?

Either of these could end with disastrous consequences. If I let wrongdoing slide now, when she is a child, sin will only grow upon sin and I would be unleashing a truly hopeless individual into the world when she grows up. On the other hand, if I react too harshly to her wrongs, I could end up hardening her tender heart, ruining her sense of self-worth and damaging a healthy conscience.

I want to instead tend her heart and teach her the skills she will need to live a life pleasing to her God. I want to teach her self-control. I want to teach her to be patient. I want her to have a spirit that perseveres and doesn’t give up too easy. I want her to have a heart that is generous, kind and thoughtful. I want her to be faithful in all her roles and stand firm for the truth and for what is right. I want her to truly love all that is good and right and holy. I want to build in her a tender conscience that will help her discern clearly right from wrong.

I want her to see all these qualities first exhibited and modelled by me. God grant me the grace for this! I am only too aware of my many shortcomings in these areas. By modelling these, I want to point her to the only one who is truly good- the Son of Man, Jesus Christ.

Which brings me to my greatest desire for Prarthna. My greatest desire is this- that in His time, her mind, body and heart will be ready to hear the call of her Creator and that she will answer it with joy.